The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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