We won't sleep together?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
