I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
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