those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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