Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Randomize
