The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
