I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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