Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
