I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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