If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
