Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I looked at my own cervix.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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