may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
