Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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