so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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