No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
