I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Found the puke drawer
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
