Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
