Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
