My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
