If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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