Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
