My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
