you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
