I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
ugly people sure do ruin things
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
