Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
