mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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