I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
