addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
