I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
