my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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