Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize
