Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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