I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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