saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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