They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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