i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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