in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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