On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
