I didn't shave. On purpose
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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