he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
