when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
