no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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