I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
