my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
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