The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
