I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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