I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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