OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
