The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
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