Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
