I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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